🏴‍☠️ Captain’s Blog - Ferengi Edition

In this time of Bad Faith (see keanu5foldpath), it is OK to assume Lizard Person.

This could be what they believe in.

The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

1. Once you have their money, you never give it back.
2. The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.
3. Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.
4. A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.
5. If you can’t break a contract, bend it.
6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7. Keep your ears open.
8. Small print leads to large risk.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10. Greed is eternal.
11. Latinum isn’t the only thing that shines.
12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
14. Anything stolen is pure profit.
15. Acting stupid is often smart.
16. A deal is a deal…until a better one comes along.
17. A contract is a contract is a contract…but only between Ferengi.
18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.
21. Never place friendship above profit.
22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
23. Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money.
24. Latinum can’t buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.
25. You can’t make a deal if you’re dead.
26. The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it.
27. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
28. Morality is always defined by those in power.
29. When someone says “It’s not the money”, they’re lying!
30. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.
31. Never insult a Ferengi’s mother. Quote: Never make fun of a Ferengi’s mother!
32. Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.
33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34. War is good for business.
35. Peace is good for business.
36. Too many Ferengi can’t laugh at themselves anymore.
37. You can always buy back a lost reputation.
38. Free advertising is cheap.
39. Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers.
40. She can touch your lobes, but never your latinum.
41. Profit is its own reward.
42. Only negotiate when you are certain to profit.
43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
45. Expand or die.
46. Labour camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person.
47. Don’t trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
49. Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent.
50. Never bluff a Klingon.
51. Never admit a mistake if there’s someone else to blame.
52. Never ask when you can take.
53. Sell first; ask questions later.
54. Never buy anything you can’t sell.
55. Always sell at the highest possible profit.
56. Pursue profit; women come later.
57. Good customers are as rare as latinum-treasure them.
58. There is no substitute for success.
59. Free advice is seldom cheap.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
61. Never buy what can be stolen.
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
63. Power without profit is like a ship without an engine.
64. Don’t talk shop; talk shopping.
65. Win or lose, there’s always Hupyrian beetle snuff.
66. Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it.
67. Anyone asking to be relieved is not crazy and must be forced to serve.
68. Ear stroking will get you anything.
69. When she discusses money for “favors”, charge her what she’ll pay.
70. Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.
71. There’s a customer born every minute.
72. Never trust your customers.
73. If it gets you profit, sell your own mother.
74. Knowledge equals profit.
75. Home is where the heart is…but the stars are made of latinum.
76. Every once in a while, declare peace….it confuses the hell out of your enemies.
77. If you break it, I’ll charge you for it.
78. When the going gets tough, the tough change the Rules.
79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
80. If it works, sell it. If it works well, sell it for more. If it doesn’t work, quadruple the price and sell it as an antique.
81. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
83. Revenge is profitless.
84. A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount.
85. Never let the competition know what you’re thinking.
86. A wife is a luxury, a smart accountant a necessity.
87. A friend in need means three times the profit.
88. When the boss comes to dinner, it never hurts to have the wife wear something.
89. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
90. Mine is better than ours.
91. He who drinks fast pays slow.
92. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
93. He’s a fool who makes his doctor his heir.
94. Females and finances don’t mix.
95. Expand…or die.
96. Enough…is never enough.
97. Every man has his price.
98. Trust is the biggest liability of all.
99. If they take your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much.
100. The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it.
101. Nature decays, but latinum is/lasts forever.
102. Sleep can interfere with opportunity.
103. Faith moves mountains…of inventory.
104. Don’t trust anyone who trusts you.
105. There is no honor in poverty.
106. A warranty is valid only if they can find you.
107. As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer.
108. Dignity and an empty sack…is worth the sack.
109. Friendship is temporary; profit is forever.
110. Treat people in your debt like family…exploit them.
111. Never have sex with the boss’s sister.
112. Always have sex with the boss.
113. What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine too.
114. There’s always a catch.
115. Ambition knows no family.
116. Everything is worth something to somebody.
117. Buy, sell, or get out of the way.
118. Gratitude can bring on generosity.
119. Everything is for sale, even friendship.
120. A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer.
121. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
122. Friendship is temporary, profit is forever.
123. You can’t make a deal if you’re dead.
124. A lie isn’t a lie, it’s just the truth seen from a different point of view.
125. Stay neutral in conflict so that you can sell supplies to both sides.
126. Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.
127. You can’t make a deal if you’re dead.
128. Never trust a beneficiary.
129. Wives serve, brothers inherit.
130. Only fools pay retail.
131. There’s nothing wrong with charity…as long as it winds up in your pocket.
132. Even in the worst of times, someone makes a profit.
133. Whisper your way to success.
134. Know your enemies…but do business with them always.
135. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
136. Let others keep their reputation…you keep their latinum.
137. Hear all, trust nothing.
138. Never cheat a Klingon…unless you can get away with it.
139. It’s always good business to know your customers before they walk in the door.
140. The justification for profit is profit.
141. New customers are like razor-toothed greeworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
142. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
143. Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them.
144. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
145. You can’t free a fish from water.
146. Always know what you’re buying.
147. Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox.
148. Latinum lasts longer than lust.
149. You can’t buy fate.
150. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
151. More is good…all is better.
152. A wife is a luxury…a smart accountant a necessity.
153. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
154. Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.
155. When in doubt, lie.
156. Deep down, everyone’s a Ferengi.
157. No good deed ever goes unpunished.